sorry for the long disappearing act... have been busy at work, and when i am home, busy with jayden & my lovely hubby of cos, spending quality family time together...
some of u might know that before i delivered to my precious jayden, i was very sure i would be a SAHM (for those who dont know what it is, SAHM is stay-at-home-mum). when i finally went back to work after maternity leave, i found that getting out of the house for me was like a sudden burst of fresh air... no doubt the work slowly piled on, but i felt re-energised and renewed as a person. maybe staying at home for too long wasnt doing any good to me, i nearly suffocated i think... :)
so after going back to work for abt a week, i tendered my resignation... the funny thing is, after i tendered, i felt sad. cos i had many days of leave left, i tendered on a monday, and the next wed was my last day after clearing all my leave! i felt sad that after so long of staying at home, i get to get out on a different routine and lifestyle, i had to go back to being at home, cooped up again.
i started to think very seriously abt why i felt like that? and maybe it was God sent, my boss asked me if i could stay on another month to help out as they were really short handed with so many projects on hand. since i was still in a state of dilemma, i grabbed the opportunity and said yes. that is why i am still working now. i told myself, i will use this one month to think seriously if i want to continue working or quit for a year or two and look after jayden.
jayden, dont be angry or sad... it is not that mummy dont love u, i love u very much and that is why i am in this state of confusion!
i feel that when i am at home 24/7 with jayden, as much as i love him, i feel really suffocated, i just want to go out for some fresh air... no doubt he is a bundle of joy, no 2 ways abt that. when i start to get mang zhang towards the end of the day when my energy is drained out, i ask myself, do i want this kind of life?
although i get stressed at work, and also tired at the end of the day, i miss jayden at work so much and when i come home after a long day, when i see jayden, i feel instantly happy and stress-free! all my tiredness will just go away... when i come back from work, i will take over my duty as a mother, carry jayden and look after him the whole night and in the morning, pass on to my guardian to look after him again. i think overall this will make me a better mother and a happier person. i do not want to show my temper towards jayden just because i feel bored and suffocated at home, i dont think it is fair to jayden, and to me and of course to james.
now if i decide to continue working, my biggest worry is who to look after jayden? presently, i have my grandaunt who's helping me out and she is a great help... but I cant burden her to help me look after jayden on a long-term basis... hai... how? i am still thinking and looking around for help.
If i find someone suitable, it is very likely i will continue to work :)
This way, i can provide a better life for jayden, be a better mother and a wife to the 2 men in my life!